User blog:The Nameless Lancer/The Lancer's Bloodborne Academy - How to Fight Beasts
The Lancer: Welcome back, everyone. It's time for our second class. I hope you found my first class helpful, and survived a Loran Chalice easily. Now, it's time for another lesson. This time, I will be teaching you how to fight against every type of beast. Beasts are unpredictable, dangerous, ugly, smelly, and also dangerous. Student 1: You already said "dangerous". The Lancer: Do you want me to throw this Boom Hammer at you again? Student 1: No, sir. The Lancer: Then don't interrupt my class! Student 1: Sorry, sir. The Lancer: Anyways, I'm here to teach you how to fight beasts. There are a few different types that you need to be aware of. I have a lot of experience fighting beasts. I know how they all look, fight, smell, and taste. Student 4: Ew, gross. The Lancer: What? Did I say something? Student 4: Yes. The Lancer: Then get over it! Student 4: Fine. The Lancer: Now, let's get started before I'm interrupted again. Scourge Beast The Lancer: (Maniacal voice) Oh, the damned Scourge Beast. I hate them all. I've slaughtered hundreds of them, and have felt no remorse. They deserve no mercy! Beasts deserve no mercy! The Scourge Beast is best handled by parrying them. That's how I do it. You can also sneak up behind them if they have their back to you. Just what out for any nearby Brainsuckers. Any questions? Student 2: What do I do if a Scourge Beast is dying a slow, painful death? The Lancer: (Aggressive voice) Let it suffer! Student 2: (Gulps) Okay. The Lancer: Moving on. Silverbeast The Lancer: Silverbeasts are very easy to handle. Hit them with a serrated weapon three times, and they're dead. That's it. Nothing special about them. They can breathe fire at you, but they never manage to do it in time. You can also parry them, if you want to be eternally shamed by yourself, your comrades, your closest family members, your friends, and, worst of all, BY ME! Any questions? Student 4: Can I go to the bathroom? The Lancer: Yes. It's down the hallway. Moving on. Male Beast Patient The Lancer: The male Beast Patients are very easy to kill. They're extremely fragile, scrawny, and weak. They are usually found in groups, but even then, they're nothing that you can't handle. Kill them with fire! That should make them even easier to dispatch. (Insane laugh) Once, I crucified a Beast Patient, then burned it alive! That was a good time. Any questions? (No response) Let's move on.... Student 4: Teacher! Teacher! The Lancer: Yes? Student 4: There's a beast patient in your bedroom. The Lancer: I know. I put her in there. Student 4: Why? The Lancer: She keeps me company. Student 4: You're really gross, dude. The Lancer: Why were you in my bedroom? That's off limits. Student 4: I don't know. The Lancer: I'll think of a proper punishment for you, then. Student 4: As you wish. The Lancer: Anyway, before this nosy little whore gets into anymore trouble, let's move on. Student 4: Hey! The Lancer: Got something to say? Student 4: Yes. The Lancer: We can talk about it after class, then. Moving on. Female Beast Patient The Lancer: Female Beast Patients are definitely more deadly than their male brethren, but they're still nothing difficult to handle. Again, kill 'em all. With fire! The ones with red eyes can poison you if you aren't careful. That's not easy to handle, so make sure you have antidotes ready. I, on the other hand, happened to come across a friendly beast patient, who now shares my bed with me. Student 1: Gross. The Lancer: That's it. (Throws Boom Hammer at Student 1's head) Don't interrupt my class again. Moving on. Cleric Beast The Lancer: If you see a Cleric Beast, you should throw molotovs at it. Use anything that will set it on fire. Let it burn! Any questions? (No response) Very well. Let's more on. Darkbeast The Lancer: Don't let the Darkbeast's appearance fool you. They are a lot deadlier than they look. They move incredibly fast, and are able to use electricity, somehow. Attack its legs, which should make it fall down. Be aggressive, and tear it to pieces! Any questions? (No response) Moving on then. Blood-starved Beast The Lancer: The Blood-starved Beast is as weak as it is ugly. The only thing that it has over you is that damn poison. If it poisons you, use an antidote fast. If you let the poison stay active for too long, you might not make it out of there alive. Other than that, though, it's nothing special. You can parry it, or use fire. No matter how you fight it, you'll be victorious. Watchdog of the Old Lords The Lancer: If you try to use fire against the watchdog, you are mentally handicapped. If it's on fire, then it's resistant to fire. Attack that fat ass head, and it will die. It's not easy to kill, though. It hits hard, and can take a lot of punishment before dying. Be aggressive, and it will die eventually. Remember: Don't. Use. Fire. Any questions? Student 3: What happens if I throw a molotov at it? The Lancer: Then you're an idiot. Moving on. Three more beasts left to talk about. Bloodletting Beast The Lancer: The Bloodletting Beast is very powerful. It's super aggressive, can hit you even if you're not near it, has that stupid shit-quake ability, and hits like a brick. I don't know how or why this is supposed to make sense, but when the Beast loses its head, it triples in strength. Yeah, that doesn't make sense, but that's just how it works apparently. The headless ones are much more deadly. They can grow a snake where their head should be, which is really weird. If you encounter this thing, scream like a 4 year old girl, then heroically charge at it, and bring it down. Want some advice? Use fire. Any questions? Student 4: How is the headless one not dead? The Lancer: I wish I knew. Moving on. Beast-possessed Soul The Lancer: The Beast-possessed Soul is weak, pathetic, scrawny, fragile, and not dangerous. They move quickly and use fire, but they are weak to fire. Also, they can be parried. If you get killed by one of them, you have no one to blame but yourself. Moving on. Abhorrent Beast The Lancer: If you see an Abhorrent Beast, run. Run like hell. Run away. Some foes are too powerful to be defeated, and the Abhorrent Beast is one of them. If you absolutely, 100%, must fight them, use fire and poison. I believe that they are weak to poison, and all but a few beasts are weak to fire, so use that against it. They also have trouble fitting through doors, so that can be used against them as well. A friend of mine was on the road to becoming an Abhorrent Beast, but the transformation wasn't complete. That's all that we have time for today. Class dismissed. Category:Blog posts